When 34-year-old Chloe Bennet decided to move in with her boyfriend, she did not think about the possibility of a future break-up. At the time, they’d been together for a year and “living with each other felt like the natural progression”.
But two years into renting their flat in Manchester, the couple started to drift apart. “There weren’t any dramatic fights or betrayals – we were no longer compatible and stopped making each other happy,” says Bennet. Eventually, they ended things for good in 2022.
Still, the time following her break up was anything but smooth sailing, as they opted to continue living together in the same flat. They had renewed their lease a couple of months before the break-up and still had around six months left. “We couldn’t afford to break it or move out right away,” she says. “We agreed to endure our living situation for the remainder of the time. In theory, it seemed manageable. In reality, it was complicated.”
The prospect of living with an ex might seem hellish to most and, according to a 2024 study, it is on the rise. One TikTok trend sees creators making videos documenting what it is like to live with an ex after a break-up, while research has revealed that an estimated 9 million Britons have continued to cohabit with someone post-split. The same study showed that those in their late 30s and 40s are most likely to be stuck living with their ex, with four million people having to live with an ex-partner after a relationship had ended, compared to 2.6 million 18-34-year olds.
It could be down to a variety of different reasons, says the relationship expert and therapist Georgia Vass, including “familiarity, finances, having children, and not being emotionally ready to move on.”
But in most cases, one or both individuals find themselves unable to afford to move out immediately due to the remaining duration of their tenancy agreement, shared rental payments, mortgages, or a delay in finding somewhere else to live.
Rents in the UK are rising faster than they have in decades (recent ONS statistics showing average rents have increased 9.2 per cent annually), and under-45s are less likely to be homeowners than older generations due to near-historically high house prices and restricted access to mortgage lending since the 2008 financial crisis. This paired with a housing shortage and competitive rental market means that finding a new place to live at a short notice is hard to come by.
Although Bennet’s break-up started amicably, things quickly started to turn sour. They initially tried to retain some of their old habits like “ordering takeaways” or “watching [their] favourite TV shows”, and agreed to avoid bringing guests into the house out of “mutual respect”. But, the reality of their separation soon became too difficult.
“The atmosphere became strangely tense whenever one of us went out for a night without the other person,” says Bennet. “We tried to keep things civil but there were definitely fights, the biggest one was about boundaries… I struggled the most with daily reminders that our relationship had ended.”
“The whole situation was awkward and living together while dating other people proved to be the most challenging aspect,” Bennet continues. They both started dating other people three months after the break-up but the final straw came when her ex brought someone else back to their flat. “I wasn’t home when she arrived, but walking in and realising another woman was in our home was brutal… I exploded. I accused him of being disrespectful and he fired back that I had no right to tell him what to do.”
It was the last straw for Chloe, who left their flat after the fight and agreed with her ex that he would take on the finances for the remainder of the lease. She had to pay a deposit on a new flat sooner than expected, and found the financial burden stressful.
Phoebe Braddock, 24, had a similarly difficult experience when she decided to continue living with her ex in a rental flat in West Hampstead in London. “[Initially, I moved in] to his one-bed because I had just graduated and had nowhere to go,” she explains. But, when the couple split after three years together, Braddock was not in the financial position to leave their housing arrangement early.
“He basically spent the last four months of our tenancy sleeping in the spare room while I slept in the main room,” she explains. “It was such a bizarre thing because you’re trying to break up but you’re still living with that same person”. Braddock describes the four months as being completely “horrid”. “We became like housemates,” she says.
“The cost of living crisis is forcing exes to stay living together,” confirms Andrew Boast, a housing expert and the CEO and co-founder of SAM Conveyancing.
At the same time, finances also play a part in the motivation for couples to move in with each other in the first place. According to research from house-sharing site SpareRoom, 24 per cent said they would consider moving in with their partner earlier than planned because of the cost-of-living crisis. “Saving money played an important role in our decision to move in together,” Bennet says. “Our high rent expenses became manageable after we decided to share the costs”.
“Whether renting or buying, couples should always think carefully before moving in together,” says Boast. “The perks of combining resources and the obvious maths of one room versus two should not outshine the pragmatic pros and cons approach.”
Boast suggests opting for as short a lease as possible if you’ve never lived with a partner before: “This way if there are one too many annoying ‘toilet seat left up’ moments, the couple can have a workable and short end to their living arrangement.”
Certainly, Bennet wishes she had thought about the possibility of her relationship ending before she signed her housing contract. “Sharing an apartment seemed financially logical but looking back I regret that we didn’t talk about our potential breakup,” she says. “We should have ended our relationship earlier, yet the idea of sorting out living expenses and dividing our possessions was too demanding.”
Financial pressure is not the only reason why separating couples might choose to stay under the same roof. Despite knowing he and his wife “were planning on separating” 49-year-old Parker* continued to live in their shared home in Birmingham with their two children for nearly two years. “We had decided we were no longer happy, but moving out made the whole thing feel real,” he says.
Parker and his wife initially intended to keep their break-up a secret from their kids for their wellbeing, as “originally, our priority was not uprooting the children’s lives.” Finances also played a part in them continuing to cohabit together. “Neither of us really wanted to give up our home or fork out thousands in legal costs,” he says. “We knew the break-up would be hard enough without the additional pressure of splitting everything”.
But, he goes on to describe how living with his ex-wife was something of a “minefield”. “Everything that used to be normal, like eating dinner together as a family or seeing our friends started to feel unnatural.”
Parker finally decided to leave last year. “That’s when I knew things were actually over – we were arguing a lot, we were both pretty bitter”. Still, he admits to finding his move out of the family home “equally, if not more distressing”. “My ex and I are fighting less and the children have got used to us not being together, but everything I used to take for granted has changed.”
They’ve since started divorce proceedings and Parker is still contributing to the mortgage of his family home. He admits that having children adds an “additional logistic” to the separation process.
In Parker’s case he had to find a flat to rent locally, so he could be within easy distance of his young family, while he and his ex continue to think about what to do with their joint home. “The children have to come first, but it has made the process more difficult. I think we stayed living together for longer because we didn’t want to deal with all the admin and costs.”
For many, even if unhappy with a partner, the price of finding an alternative solution can feel too difficult to bear with things like council tax, bills and rent to consider. Still, Vass advises that “living with an ex could negatively impact well-being” and could lead to tension, emotional confusion, negative feelings, resentment and conflict.
She encourages couples to really think about the reasons they might want to live together before they do. “The dynamics definitely shift when you live together and the likelihood of experiencing conflict is higher. It can illuminate differences more quickly.”
Bennet remembers her experience as an “emotional rollercoaster” and Parker thinks he “would think twice” before deciding to live with an ex again, saying, “it delayed and extended the pain of our break up. Next time, I’d pull the plaster off fast.”
Braddock feels sad looking back on her time living with her ex and would never do it again. “The biggest struggle was spending time in our flat, surrounded by our things, things we had bought together, pictures of us – the space we had built together,” she says.
Whatever their reasons, couples who have separated but still share an address should “be kind” to themselves, says Vass. “It is complicated territory.”
*names have been changed
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